bad night...

So, tonight's been horrible to say the least..

Today was good, i had my fifth counseling session. My counselor is hopeful of a relationship with my dad developing and hopeful of my recovery. She's aiming for the "two steps forward, one step back" approach of things. Which is how its been going.
I get better, then get worse, then way better, then worse, then even better than last time, then worse.. so even at my worst, im still better off than i was when it began.

Tonight was hard though. It was much like the night when i had a break down from not being able to work off my starbuck's frappe. I freaked out tonight, my mind went completely insane. I saw myself in the mirror and just went crazy.. I felt humongous. I even cried "get off", as i shook my arms and legs trying to get rid of the fat.
I hate mia and try to avoid it at all costs, but tonight, i felt hopeless and even suicidal. I made myself throw up my supper, and had thoughts of "what if i could just cut all the fat off"
I tried using the coping skills my counselor gave me for times like that but it all went through my head, registering as LIES.

Ana's gaining power. A LOT of power. FAST.

my counselor is worried about not being able to meet with me over the holidays. I am too, actually. Thanksgiving is predominantly about FOOD, so it's gonna be a horrible time.
I wish i could just be stable. I dont want to deal with anything anymore, i just want it to all go away! I just want to lay here, for weeks, just sleeping and crying. I dont want to face anyone or anything.. just lay here, alone and miserable.