World War Me

So, today was the funeral for my grandmother.
I didn't go to school and bout froze to death for about an hour and a half outside talking with the family after the graveside service.
It was nice to see my dad again. :D I feel like we're really bonding and developing an actual father-daughter relationship. He seems happy to see me and is really trying to show me how he feels better. He grabbed my hand as he went up to see his mom one last time and held on to me .. I felt loved. He promised that we will arrange for me to come stay with him sometime soon.

His girlfriend (who you could almost call his wife cause they've been together for so long)emailed my mom thanking her for bringing us and going up there the day his mother died. She said that my dad was a completely different man after seeing us. That told me, wow, he actually does miss us and care about me. I couldn't believe it actually made him happy to see me too.

I think it scares him to think that he may be at my funeral next because of my eating disorder since he hasn't acted like he loved me or cared. I'm glad it's woken him up though. :)




On the other hand, my mind's so jumbled up right now.. i have no idea what to do.. Different thoughts are running through my mind and it's hard to decipher which ones are right and wrong and which things to do and not do.

I feel like, because i'm eating normally, i'm getting fat. So, i get in that mode where i get panicky and feel like i have to quit eating. But this time i'm trying to just convince myself i can diet and exercise rather than starve. But-- i wanna be 105ish for Christmas and would've liked to be 105 for thanksgiving, but so much for that idea. But, i cant do any of that in that amount of time without starving so one side of my mind's yelling STARVE YOURSELF and the other side's yelling DIET AND EXERCISE. Ughhhh I hate when "ana" and becca fight.

I dont know what i want .. :(