ugh, holidays..

So.. i'm dreading Thanksgiving.

A holiday revolving around FOOD is a need for an anorexic to like-- hyperventilate. Thanksgiving is scary.
It's 10 pounds in a meal.. It's weeks worth of starvation and hard exercise thrown away. It's cause for a panic attack, a nightmare.
Im scared.

I want my family to notice, i want to show up and hear them as they take a deep breath, gazing only at my emaciated body. But, i dont have an emaciated body, not yet atleast. So, that doesnt apply. I want to be think enough. I want to be small, smaller, smallest.. i want to dissolve, to shrink, into nothingness.

I've decided, i dont know how, i dont know if it'll happen or not.. but somehow, someway, hopefully, at Christmas, i'll be 20 pounds lighter, and at Thanksgiving, hopefully five? That sounds reasonable--

To sum up this entry-- i'm scared of the holidays this year.. :( ahhh!