Sorry...

I wasn't able to post anything new yesterday because i had a pretty busy day.
I was awakened by my mom, who informed me that my grandmother had hours to live.

So, i called into work and we left as soon as we could to where they were, two hours away. I wasn't necessarily close to my grandmother. She'd never fully been uh.. all "there" .. She suffered from dementia and Alzheimers. But, it's still traumatic to watch ANYONE die, and even more traumatic to watch your family suffer so greatly. We were there with the family as she took her last breath. We were there when they said the words "she's gone." It was a sad moment that i will never forget. But, I had a special moment with my Dad when that happened. I got to comfort him and be close to him for the first time in my life. He broke inside as he hugged me, he had been so strong before, but during the embrace, he couldn't contain himself.

I am glad i got to see my Dad. Previously we hadn't had a relationship. We never really talked or got to see each other much, which is part of this problem with eating.. My counselor says he's behind about 50% or more of my anorexia. She uses the quote "depression is anger turned inside" to explain the situation. Apparently i dont put my anger where it belongs, but instead just keep to myself, which has caused self-loathing. I feel that if he doesn't put me above minuscule things then i must be worthless, not good enough.. So something must be wrong with me. And apparently i turn it all back around on what i was teased for when i was little. My appearance. So part of my treatment is going to be to put my anger where it belongs so that it's not all coming back on me and causing me to hate myself.

Even though yesterday was sad, It was a good day. I felt like i actually had a Dad for the first time in my life. I felt loved and important. It made me feel like-- i DONT have to starve myself just to get him to care about me. He does anyway. Even though i never thought he did.
I could tell though. He made time to talk to me, ask me questions, get to know me. He also showed me his room. That meant a lot because i walked in and all over his dresser and shelves were pictures. Pictures of me and my brother, things i had made him, gifts i had given him. He does care. He does love me. And i DONT have to starve myself to be loved. (:

I believe im on the road to recovery.